Suicidal Shinji
by cd818
Summary: Shinji wants to commit suicide, but he doesn't, what will Misato and Asuka do. what will there roles be. (SxA or in my twisted mind it may be SxM)


I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.  
  
Suicidal Shinji  
  
Shinji and Asuka were at the apartment all alone with Shinji in his room with his SDAT pluged in and Asuka on the couch watching T.V.  
  
'Should I tell her' he thought 'I'll tell her..maybe Asuka feels the same way..deep down in that cold heart..' he got up and peaked out his door to see her. "here goes nothing" he said to himself and walked out.  
  
Shinji slowly walked over to her. "A-Asuka..Can I talk to you for a moment."  
  
"Go ahead...your lucky a commerical is on...hurry up" She said.  
  
"well..I..Asuka..I" "OUT WITH IT" she cut him off.  
  
Shinji looked at her and took a deep breath  
  
"Asuka, I really like you. I like the way you look and the way you act at times. I was wondering from you is there anyway in this world you'd go out with me..." Shinji said in a nervous tone  
  
"NO I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH A PATHETIC LITTLE WIMP LIKE YOU! I COULD HAVE ANY GUY I WANTED WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I WOULD GO WITH AN IDIOT LIKE YOU. I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU YOU WIMP! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD. IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU GO DIE." Asuka said evily and angrely looking at Shinji's crushed face.  
  
Shinji looked at her for a minute crushed. 'she wish I was dead' he thought to himself.  
  
"GO AWAY....YOU STUPID PERVERT.I HATE YOU" Asuka shouted adding more pain to Shinji's sad face and broken heart.  
  
Shinji looked at her for another minute before he broke out in tears and ran to his room.  
  
"stupid wimp." she said turning back to the T.V.  
  
Shinji closed the door and fell to the ground leaning against it with tears running down his face.  
  
'that wasn't that bad....at least she didn't hit me.' he thought 'still...she..hates me....she wants me to die...she wished death upon me'  
  
'maybe I should die..no one likes me..Asuka..Rei..Father...they all hate me' He thought to himself 'death looks mighty good about now.'  
  
"Stupid baka..." Asuka said to herself "no girl could ever stand to go out with him"  
  
"maybe I was to hard...naa...that pervert deserved it" she said and turned the channel.  
  
~Night~  
  
Shinji woke and looked out his door to see Misato on the kitched table knocked out with a bunch of beer cans around her. 'maybe she hates me to....Misato....naa.' he thought to himself.  
  
Shinji walked back into his room ans layed back down looking at the ceiling. 'hmm..death looks mighty good about now.' he looked at his wrist and felt his neck.  
  
Shinji held his arm up and started to ball up his and release his fist to his his veins starting to show in his arm.  
  
He took his left arm and started to feel his neck trying to picture himself choking.  
  
He thought about standing on a tall building and just closing his eyes and leaping into a free fall.  
  
Better yet, He pictured himself slicing open his wrist and taking a nice long rope rapping it around his neck and leaping off a building.  
  
A bleak grin came to his face and he soon realised what he was thinking. 'If I die...it would cause pain to others who betrayed me...Father..he abonded me..if I die...who would pilot Unit-01....' he thought.  
  
Another thought came to mind.  
  
Shinji held out his hand and looked at it Closing his eyes he pictured himself dieing all alone on the floor or hanging from the ceiling.  
  
"maybe I should..i have nothing to live for." he said and his eyes shot open as tears started to come out.  
  
Shinji sat up and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and started to write something down.  
  
"all the pain I've been through....all the sorrow....all the hate people have for me....why should I live" he said to himself.  
  
Shinji quitly walked out off his room and passed up Misato and grabbed a knife and walked back.  
  
"a knife...A rope" he took a rope from underneath his bed.  
  
He finshed writing something and placed it on his bed.  
  
He tied the rope to something on his ceiling, and stood on a chair with the Knife in his hand.  
  
He looked it and soon got off the chair and looked at his hands and started cry.  
  
He layed the knife down leaving his room the way it was. The Crying went on for a while until he fell asleep.  
  
~Morning~  
  
Shinji was still asleep while Misato was just waking up on the table yarning.  
  
"I really gotta stop drinking." she said and got up.  
  
"I better wake up Asuka and Shinji." she said and walked over to Asuka's room and knocked on the door. "get up Asuka" she said.  
  
Misato peeked into the room to see Asuka gone "I forgot....She's sleeping at Hikari's." she said and walke over to Shinji's door.  
  
"Shinji...Shinji..wake up" Shinji was still knocked out with his room still looking the exact same as last night.  
  
"Shinji.." Misato said one last time and started to slide his door open to see the way it was looking.  
  
A chair in the middle of the floor with a rope hanging from the ceiling, and a nicely sharp knife on the chair.  
  
Misato first gasped at the sight and looked at the Shinji who was curled up in a ball sleep with his pillow alittle wet from crying.  
  
She slowly and quitely aproached him and saw the note he was writing.  
  
She slowly reached for it and walked to the kitched and grabbed a beer.  
  
"I think I need a drink before reading this." she said and downed it.  
  
She slowly upfolded the paper to read what it was saying.  
  
~To all who care...which I don't think is many... What is life... life is something that everyone has...or is it... it brings pain...but it also provides family and love...I have neither...All I wanted was some to love...and someone to love me back...Love is something I never had...Im alone in this cold world...the only pleasure I have is piloting Eva..but there...it causes pain...I loved people...but never it came in return...Asuka...if you ever happen to read this...thank you for helping me decide what I want to do with my life...as the words you gave me and I quote 'I WISH YOU WERE DEAD. IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU GO DIE' I expressed my true feelings to you but what I got was a wish upon death from you. if it will make you happy maybe even care one bit for me I will die. I know it will make me happy. Misato I'll miss you and Asuka I'll love you always...  
  
Ikari, Shinji  
  
Misato read and read the suicide note and dropped it after processing everything. 'he...he was going to kill himself' She thought in shock.  
  
Misato got up and stood in Shinji's door. "SHINJI.....WAKE UP NOW." she shouted..  
  
~2 hours later.~  
  
Misato looked at Shinji who just sat silently looking at his hands.  
  
"Shinji...whats going on with you...I at least thought you were getting alittle happy." she said.  
  
"..."  
  
"Answer me now Shinji" She said  
  
".....i.....I dont have anything to live for." he said.  
  
"what are you talking about..I thought Eva was something to you." Misato said.  
  
"ITS NOT....EVA MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU...AND MY FATHER...AND RITSUKO...AND ASUKA..." He shouted. "EVA IS FOR EVERYONE ELSE..NOT ME....I HAVE NOTHING...NO ONE TO LOVE....NO ONE TO LOVE ME..." He shouted again  
  
"I thought you like it...to help others...Shinji..no one forced you to pilot it." She said.  
  
"YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAD....EVERY FIGHT..I PUT MY LIFE ON THE LINE...ONLY TO HAVE PEOPLE INJURED OR END UP HATING ME....NO ONE LOVE ME...NO ONE CARES FOR ME....I CAN SAVE THIS TOWN...HELL....I CAN SAVE THIS WORLD A HUNDRED TIMES OVER BUT IN THE END.....I.....I.....Im all alone..." he said with tears starting to build up.  
  
"Shinji..." "Shinji what...its true...No one cares for me...my own father hate me..." he said inbetween sobbs with tears streaming down his face. "Asuka even hates me...I got the whole Ideal from her...I love her and she hates me..." he said "the words she gave me were 'wish your were dead.In fact, why dont you go die"  
  
"Shinji.." Misato said with a sad look on her face.  
  
"Your not alone...You need someone...or is it that your going to say I do have someone." shinji said crying. "I dont want this...I wanna be loved by some" he said getting up and going to his room slamming the door and leaned against it.  
  
"Shinji....Shinji" Misato yelled and soon hit the table with tears of her own falling out.  
  
~1 hour Later~  
  
Asuka walked into the apartment to see Misato looking evily pissed.  
  
"whats the matter with you" Asuka said to the mad looking Misato.  
  
"your the matter with me" Misato said.  
  
"what are you talking about...wheres the baka" she said.  
  
"the baka is asleep.." Misato said. "now...answer my question."  
  
"I cant answer the question if I don't know what your talking about." Asuka said.  
  
"did you tell Shinji that you wish he's die...and that he should?" Misato said.  
  
"umm...Yeah...so what" Asuka said.  
  
"sit down Asuka." Misato said and Asuka just looked at her "I SAID SIT DOWN NOW" Misato yelled and Asuka quickly found a seat at the kitchen table  
  
"Asuka...take a quick look at this." Misato tossed her the note and Asuka read half way through it and looked at Misato.  
  
"the Baka has issues...he's Stupid and crazy.." Asuka said.  
  
"Keep reading" Misato said.  
  
Asuka sighed, rolled his eyes and kept reading and paused when she finshed it as her eyes got big. "he...he was going to kill himself." he said.  
  
"and its your damn fault" Misato said.  
  
"i....i.." "Asuka....why do you do this to Shinji....he likes you...Hell...he loves you....ans you throw it in his face...you insult him...you wish death upon him....and for what....your pride...the fact that he pilots Eva better than you...or do you like him deep down...because I doubt you really hate him." Misato said.  
  
"I....don't..know...I didnt mean for him to go that far." she said.  
  
"Asuka...you...go" Misato said. "go to your room before I do something I might regret"  
  
"Misato..I..didn't mean for this to.." Asuka's eyes were starting to get teary.  
  
"DAMNIT I SAID GO" She shouted standing up and Asuka quickly rushed to her room and colasped on the floor still with the note in her hand.  
  
"baka...I'm sorry...Shinji" Asuka said to her self with tears streaming down her face and she kept reading the note.  
  
Shinji layed in his room looking at the ceiling his room still looking the same.  
  
"i cause pain..no..pain comes for me...maybe i should do it.." he said quitly and picked up the knife and gulped.  
  
he rubbed the cold steel across his wrist with the flat end and dropped the knife and fell to his knees crying. "why..." he said. "WHY" he shouted and started punching the floor" Shinji got up and started to hit the walls and throw things across his room while he was yelling and Crying at the same time.  
  
Asuka heard the sounds and left out her room to see Misato standing out of Shinji door that was locked and her banging on it.  
  
"SHINJI....SHINJI" Misato shouted hitting it.  
  
Asuka stood there in shock listening to him yell and continue to reck his room.  
  
"shinji...i'm sorry.." Asuka said quitely and fell.  
  
Shinji soon stopped and started to cry out loud.  
  
Misato and Asuka both heard him and just started to stare at his door.  
  
TBC..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Review...Good, Bad, Nutural.. if you think thew story is good...put it... if you think it sucks ass....put it... if you think it is inbetween....put it... I WANT ALL. MUHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaaa.......Who the hell am I kidding. 


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